


I Did It For You

by gaialux



Category: Oz (TV)
Genre: Alternate Ending, Flashback, M/M, Post Series, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-02
Updated: 2012-12-02
Packaged: 2017-11-20 01:48:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/579966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaialux/pseuds/gaialux
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tobias remembers how Chris was finally able to throw down his selfishness, bare his soul, and make a choice that would be, inevitably, for the better. Tobias remembers how Chris felt love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Did It For You

**Author's Note:**

> Written for a Hard Time 100 challenge. Prompt: "The Gift".
> 
> Oz does not belong to me. This piece of fiction was written for entertainment purposes only, no profit is gained.

I can still remember the day it happened. It was hot – the air conditioning in Oz busted for some reason, and taxpayers didn't want their dollars to go toward us living in luxury – so most of us spent our time avoiding other people and soaking up as much personal oxygen as we could.

Apart from that heat, it was just another day in Oz. Maybe even a little more peaceful; with everyone avoiding one another there were no drug conversations going on. Maybe that was their reason for not repairing the air conditioner – keep us uncomfortable and your job as a CO is halved!

Mind the sarcasm, it's the only way I can actually get through telling you this with ripping up the paper and ignoring that part of my life. It would be the easiest option, so I'm not sure why I'm letting myself keep going.

I guess I owe it to Chris. Never thought I'd even come close to saying those words, but there they are, and I do mean it. Really. No matter what shit Chris insisted on putting me through, I know that he did what he did out of love.

Hah. Chris Keller feeling love. Another thing I never thought was possible to envision.

"Beecher!"

I looked up at Sean Murphy's voice, hoping he didn't want much – it was too hot to do anything.

"You know where Keller is?"

I looked around half-heartedly and didn't catch sight of him anywhere. "No." Then I went back to the lazy game of checkers I was playing with Augustus Hill. I didn't care then, even though I hadn't seen Keller since earlier in the morning.

"King me," I said, moving my piece to the end of the board.

Augustus just threw up his arms. "I'm getting sick of this, Beecher, see you later." Then he rolled off toward the televisions. Surprised there wasn't more fits. The heat was turning everyone into a little bitch.

"Beecher!"

It was Sean Murphy again; did he seriously think my memory had changed in the last two minutes?

"I don't know where he is!" I called up to him.

He shook his head. "I know. Not what I'm talking about. Sister Pete wants to see you."

I creased my eyebrows. "What?"

Murphy shrugged. "Dunno what for. Just go on over to her office."

I looked at him quizzically for a minute or so longer, than gave a small shrug and headed out of Em City and toward Sister Peter Marie's office. Maybe she wanted some computer work done again, not that I'd sat in front of a computer for the last few months.

She was at the door before I even knocked. "Come sit down, Tobias." It didn't look good. Her voice sounded flat, a doctor's voice. That had to be bad.

"What's wrong?" My thoughts immediately went to Holly. If anything had happened to her...my heartbeat picked up and I could feel anger coursing through my veins and muscles. Somehow Schillinger had to be responsible for this. Even beyond the grave that fucking cocksucker had to be responsible –

"It's Chris, Tobias."

The name cut through my thoughts and I stared at her. "What happened to Chris?"

"Sit down, please."

I walked over to the chair, that anger in me keeping my mind at a numb state as I sat, chin in hands, and looked at Sister Pete. "What happened?"

She crouched down in front of me, taking my hands and folding them into her own. "There's been an accident."

"What?" It didn't even register, the words, just in one ear and out the other.

Her thumb rubbed over my fingers. It felt strange. "We're not sure what happened, but I wanted to tell you first before news gets out over the prison."

"What do you mean you don't know what happened?" That anger was still there, reaching the forefront of my mind and erupting from my tongue.

"He was found," she said, "The coroner hasn't yet ruled a cause of death."

Cause of death? I shook my head and took my hand from hers, rubbing it over the stubble on my face. I couldn't stop shaking my head, couldn't stop my mind from spinning and twisting as I stood and started pacing the room.

"How...Why...?" I couldn't even form a comprehensible sentence.

I just remember thinking how could this have happened? Who would have done this? Keller had so many enemies, but I couldn't imagine him being murdered.

If not murdered, then...

That option was even worse.

"Tobias, please, you need to calm down."

Sister Pete followed behind me across the room until I finally halted, turning to her and keeping my feet planted in one place. My chest was heaving, I could feel the blood in my ears as I tried to make sense of all of this.

"He left you a letter." I watched as she reached into her pocket and pulled out a folded piece of white paper, dark ink marks could be made out on its surface. "I haven't read it, I can if you'd like me to and tell you what it is about."

I shook my head, so slowly, and reached out so fast to snatch it from her, tugging it open. I heard her footsteps fall back, heard a chair move as she must have sat. I stared at the words, Chris' chicken scratch handwriting looking up at me, and started to read.

Hey Toby. Couldn't tell you this in person. Maybe I'm too much of a pussy. Doesn't matter. Like one of those movies, I'll be dead by the time you read this. Did it for you, man. Always did everything for you. Toby, you deserve to be free. To get out of here and be with your daughter. I was too selfish to let you do that. Now you can.

And that was all it said. Four lines of writing. A suicide note, a confession, a eulogy of Christopher Keller's life summarised into sixty-nine words. My hand clenched around the paper and the sound filled the room.

"Tobias...?"

I shook my head again. I couldn't talk. On that day, nothing made sense to me. At that time, I couldn't understand why Keller had done what he did. Why he thought killing himself was some selfless act. I remember thinking, for years, how much of a fucking dick he was for hurting me like that. A selfish, motherfucking, cocksucking, prick who took the easy option.

It's only now that I realise everything he had said in the letter was true.

For the first time in his life, on that day, Chris was able to think about something in the long-term and something that didn't just benefit him. I still miss him, I don' think that feeling will ever go away, but losing Chris...it helped me move forward to this bright future I've made for myself.

I have my daughter, I'm getting married next week, and I just passed my bar exam. With Chris, I can't even think of a future outside the four walls of Oz. It was happy New Year, merry Christmas, and happy Fourth of July all rolled into one. A gift he wanted to give me, an apology he never spoke.

And I'll never forget it. I'll never forget him.


End file.
